Yesterday I felt so insecure. One of the great gifts of trying to do something outside of the “norm” is that there are so many opportunities for me to be humbled. Yesterday I had a big humble. I got to see how I fail and how I struggle. It’s a huge gift to see that but it’s also uncomfortable and difficult to live with.
I experienced this humbling message right before I hosted a play date.There were new friends, old friends, and their kids all coming to my house for some fun on the beach. Yet, minutes before their arrival, all I wanted to do was be still and quiet with my humbling pain. I didn’t tell my friends I was feeling raw and insecure.
I wasn’t fake with those around me because that might be denying my pain but I wasn’t trying to connect deeply either because connecting deeply wasn’t possible when I felt that kind of insecurity. So, I just sat with those feelings inside me and allowed gentle friendships to carry me for a bit. It was riding a wave and allowing other people to keep me floating for a while. Keeping quiet but floating helped me to get me to a space that felt a bit calmer and safer.
The safety didn’t actually mean processing the insecure feelings! Safety was connecting to a friend who “gets” it like I do. It was nice to just by listen to her, something I enjoy doing, and feel as though I have something to offer. Safety came while fulfilling a commitment and realizing “I am feeling so sad, I’m just not able to fulfill this commitment the way I had hoped.”
Being honest with myself while still honouring my commitment met my need for authenticity. Listening to another beautiful friend express her strength and self-awareness of her challenges made me feel thankful to get to watch her as she blooms. Feeling insecure kept me quiet and what I received in that quiet seemed more beautiful as a result.
Somehow, with those moments of safety, the insecure feelings just lived in me. I didn’t try to understand them. I just went about my day and the humbling feeling gave me clarity to see the gifts that discomfort can bring. In that way, the discomfort and insecurity was honoured.
I think this is sometimes the way life goes. Sometimes we feel insecure and we get to choose what we do with that feeling. Disconnecting from it, though it is painful, dulls me to the beauty of life. Processing it in the moment wasn’t actually going to serve me either, it would have felt like I was rushing through the feeling or spinning it in my head. Sitting with it, even though it was uncomfortable, gave me a new perspective which is maybe the point of that feeling anyway.